Microaggressions and the language of rape culture
[Trigger Warning: This story contains details of sexual abuse and perpetuation of gender-based violence]
The first time I ever gave anyone head, it was a guy I was ‘romantically’ involved with. We were making out one day, and he suddenly started forcing my head towards his crotch.
I got nervous.
Me, a barely sex-literate 18-year old, quickly realised I wasn’t ready. He became cold and pulled away from me, refusing to speak to me. I panicked and asked him why he was upset. “I thought we’d be past this by now” he muttered. I felt horrible.
I also really liked him and didn’t want to risk him being mad at me—or worse, a break-up. So eventually, I did what he wanted. A wiser me now, knows he used coldness as a motivator to get what he wanted against my better judgement.
Last week, the hashtag #JusticeForToyin, following the disappearance of Nigerian-American #BlackLivesMatter activist, Oluwatoyin Salau, became another highlight of rape culture and gender-based violence. On the day she was declared missing, Salau tweeted she had been assaulted by someone “disguised as a man of God”, who offered to give her a ride to the church where she had been seeking refuge. Her thread included the home address of her abuser and a description of his car.
Over the weekend, police in Tallahassee, Florida found her dead, as one of two victims—the other Victoria Sims, a 75-year old white woman—in what is being speculated as a double homicide. Aaron Glee Jr, a 49-year old black man, is now the prime murder suspect after the two bodies were found in his home. Back in May, Glee Jr, had been arrested for aggravated battery, after a policeman at a stop sign saw him kicking a woman in the stomach. His victim told police, they had been drinking together, but Glee became violent after she declined to have sex with him.
Though Tallahassee authorities say, the address and details in Toyin’s tweets didn’t match that of the arrested suspect, USA Today reports Toyin’s close friends knew of her history of sexual abuse. On June 5th, the day before she went missing, the police had accompanied Toyin and two friends, Danaya Hemphill and Ashley Loray, to move her belongings from where she lived until she sought refuge in the church. They say, Toyin had been repeatedly abused and sex-trafficked in that house. Ashley says the late activist had been seeking legal advice after escaping what Toyin herself described as "unjust living conditions."
In my weariness from rape and gender-based violence hashtags, today, one of the stronger memories that has stuck with me, is of me at 14, listening to my mother tell stories of her job-seeking days. Fresh from school and newly arrived in Lagos, a day of job hunting led her to an office with a vacancy opening for a receptionist. The owner of the company, a middle-aged man, took one sweeping look at her and said ‘I can’t hire you because I’d definitely be sleeping with you’.
Women have never had autonomy over their bodies. According to the WHO, 1 in 5 women will be raped at some point in their lives and according to UNICEF, 1 in 4 Nigerian girls are victims of sexual violence before they turn 18. All over the world, we are in constant danger of sexual violence of some sort, aided by unwavering rape culture.
What’s not talked about as much, is the shape rape culture takes in everyday society, even as seeking consent has become central in the fight to dismantle it. Many women don’t fully grasp the manipulative lengths men will go, for sex in the moment. But when that realization does hit, it often leaves them tongue-tied as they face an inner battle of whether they may be exaggerating. Especially when there is a high chance of being re-traumatised by gaslighting, were they to publicly recount their story. It’s a slow death.
‘One guy told me I was giving him blue balls once [when I refused him sex]’, K, a 22-year-old woman told me of a guy she’d refused to have sex with. ‘He [whined] that it was physically painful and that I was causing him pain’, she added.
Z, another 22 year old woman, told me, she once changed her mind about a guy, mid-grope during a club night, only to be met with emotional manipulation. ‘[He] started begging, saying ‘Please I wanna bust a nut’. I refused then he started trying to use my hand to rub on his dick, then I got up and left. He then gave me the stink eye for the rest of the night and [condescendingly] called me easy’.
Microaggression is an often recurring, rarely discussed pillar of rape culture. Men often coerce women using misogynistic language, objectification of our bodies, and victim-blaming, that leaves us vulnerable to sexual assault. Last month, Damola Kolawole, a former HR professional at a construction company in Abuja, who allegedly raped 7 different women, was publicly named on Twitter. In the screenshots, Damola used sexually aggressive tactics—guilt-tripping and persistent badgering—in an attempt to have “consensual” sex with his accusers.
This scenario is anything but outlandish for many women. Debra Soh, a doctor of sexual neuroscience, from York University, says “In the dating world, signs of sexual coercion are often overlooked because persistence in the face of rejection is interpreted as a sign that a man is romantically interested, as opposed to pushy and disrespectful. What is important to note with these men is they prefer unwilling partners”. Soh also suggests, such men are more likely, to commit “predatory sexual violence”, or even intentionally seek out non-consenting partners.
Women in relationships are the most vulnerable to the effects of microaggression. A recent public shaming of another alleged rapist, Tife Fabunmi, by his ex-girlfriend detailed how she endured painful sex in tears, despite her repeated pleas for him to stop. Her reason for not pushing him off? He was her boyfriend and it was his birthday.
Microaggression, as the language of sexual coercion, is the true form of rape culture. It happens so often and so casually that even victims can downplay its damaging effects. This is often because abusers use verbal taunts to break down the victim’s defences, while offering security or validation on the condition of sex.
‘When I was pregnant with my kids, my husband showed me hell’, N, another 47-year-old married woman told me. ‘He doesn’t care whether the baby is coming out that very second or not. Once he comes home, he wants sex and he wants it right then. Anytime I refuse he’d get angry and won’t speak to me for days. He won’t eat my food, and he’d threaten to go and sleep with someone else outside. Sometimes he’d go out and won’t return for days. Sometimes he’d beat me till I gave in. And so I learned to do as he wished. I couldn’t even speak to anyone about it’.
Rape culture has bred an environment where men prioritize their sexual urges over the autonomy of women they encounter. Coldness, guilt-tripping, insulting, bullying, gaslighting are all forms of microaggressions men give off when refused sex. When these manipulative methods don’t persuade you to do their bidding, they often resort to more overt tactics; plying a woman with intoxicants, playful struggling, the trivialisation of sexual violence, and eventually — assault or rape.
In the wake of the #MeToo era, more women are speaking up and bravely calling out their abusers and assaulters. And yet with such progress, it is still a somewhat fucked up widely-held belief that it’s only sexual assault when there is forced penetration, screaming, or kicking and fighting. That anything less, is ‘not that deep’. This is how most suspected rapists escape conviction because microaggressions can make even victims question if the assault did happen.
It is important to educate ourselves and know that rape doesn’t have a cookie-cutter story. There are so many nuances to sexual violence. Creating awareness for these seemingly less significant elements and contexts of rape culture is the first step to engendering what should be a non-negotiable safer environment for women to exist.
Sign this petition demanding justice for Toyin Salau.
Makua Adimora is a journalist and music editor based in Lagos. Tweet at her @ColdAsMax_