“don't link me” - Exploring Shared Experiences In Modern Love
Dating sucks. It’s an arduous, uncomfortable, thankless chore that many undertake and very few get compensated for. Think about it. We preen, revamp and modify ourselves into our best versions, minimizing our problem areas. And for what?
For millions of years, we’ve selected mates using the wealth of information gleaned in face-to-face interactions — not just appearance, but features such as voice, body language, and scent, as well as immediate feedback to our communication.
But now, things are done a little differently. The question is — does mate selection differ when you are presented with an almost overwhelming number of options? Some people might still prefer good old monogamy, but others have moved beyond dating long term, to entanglements that sort of happening over a period of time, and end.
For all the bad wrap dating gets, however, there is - the innate desire for humans to form intimate relationships.
For most interested in a long term relationship built on compatibility, navigating the dating pool requires an eye for detail to uncover intricate details left unsaid. This often means spending time stalking your mark, scouring the internet for bits of information that confirm or negate the introductory quips made easily available. For others, dating has been condensed to pre-set activities: swipe left or right, talk a little, link up.
But how does one navigate the desire to bond with others while dealing with the need for instant gratification?
Vee (F, 22)
Has given up on traditional dating, choosing only to hookup when desired. In her words, “Dating in this day and age and is draining and tiring. You find some men that seem good but have shots of patriarchy injected into their blood vessels. You find men that claim to be feminists too but everything they do or say is contrary to what you believe. You find men that gaslight you easily. Personally, I don’t date because I’ve come to realize that men will become a distraction for me, and I can’t be distracted from my bigger picture. Also, it’s like I attract broke men, so I’m always the only one spending or borrowing money, it’s exhausting, so I’ve decided to be single.”
Bubbles (NB, 21)
Shares a similar view. “I don't "date". At least not for now. I believe romantic love is a luxury and dating, in my opinion, is too nuanced an experience to be enjoyed with limited options. For my quasi-romantic relationships—as I am human and I am horny, the pool is very small. Of all those said relationships, only a few have been physical. Ultimately, I can't date someone else until I can afford to love on my terms. Also, sometimes I feel as though I tell myself these things because I really don't want to date anybody.”
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For them and many others, traditional dating (i.e meeting people in casual settings) holds little appeal. Yet, the pressing need to find that special someone reigns supreme even when our conventional, personal and public relationships operate in a constant state of flux.
Technology plays a huge role as a facilitator bridging the gap between potential partners, offering singles a chance to connect with someone from the comfort of their phones. But while this has certainly given a diverse range of choice when it comes to selecting a potential partner, it has also introduced difficulties.
“Who are you? Really?” Simple as it sounds, this is a question that's increasingly difficult to answer when a person is nothing more than a username at the end of text messages. TV shows like MTV's Catfish have been created around the premise of false identities to loop in unsuspecting lovers. Sometimes, these catfishes become full-blown romance scammers with ready-made pity tales, preying on their vulnerabilities just to extract money.
So how does one really get to know the real person behind the profile?
Ire (M, 24)
Relies on social media. “NGL, I know people can be fake on IG and Facebook so I don’t use those places. On Twitter, I check their tweets to see what their headspace is like. I even check their followers to see if there’s anyone problematic I know.”
Vee (F, 22)
Takes a different approach to it. She says; “I don’t care. Once I know I’m only dating him, I don’t go around looking for information. All the guys I’ve been with, they’ve never motivated me to do some background check on them because they’ve never passed the longevity test in my mind. And I know when I’ll last with someone and when I won’t. Once I know I won’t, why am I researching on you?”
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A background check could be a lifesaver as people have discovered their rosy lenses might be faulty. But where does a simple background check end and stalking begin?
There’s this notion that’s slowly gaining popularity that states: He who first DMs has the upper hand. This is based on the idea the other party has studied you enough and can curate answers to give you what you want to hear, thus luring you into a false sense of security.
How then do we navigate honesty in romance? How do we truly shed our defences and get vulnerable and upfront about our needs, preferences and sexuality?
Nicole (F, 28)
Believes in offering selective information at first. She says, “navigating romance is weird. I’m not sure about them or their intentions and I can’t give them information to weaponise. It’s already hard being bisexual and polyamorous. I’m already treated like a whore because I love what I love. It’s hard.”
Bubbles (NB, 21)
Says they just take the leap and hopes for the best. To them, it’s a little complicated. “When I reveal my pre-beautiful face to people, I get the sense that they think I'm exclusively into men. It's usually disappointing but I never force the issue. Also, I still live with my parents, there are many things I haven't tried so I tend to feel naive. I'm always scared that one day they'll call me a "freak" or I'll get arrested by someone's parents or something. Also, there is a huge sentiment gap between myself and people I try to be romantic with. My relationships fizzle easily.”
Kolade (M, 32)
Takes a radical approach. On his Tinder bio, he declares he’s into ethical non-monogamy, has 2 live-in lovers and is open to exploring with both genders. “I offer myself as I am so people see what they are getting into. However, it’s not easy. Women have matched with me just to insult me about my bio.”
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As one would imagine, the act of “getting out there” means being open to stalking, identity scams and possible toxicity from people who do not understand you. And this has the worst effect on emotional health.
Opening up can leave you feeling quite vulnerable, lying there psychically spread-eagled and shivering on the examining table of your relationship quest. (A favoured suspicion is that your partner, knowing exactly where your vulnerabilities are, deliberately kicks you there -- one reason this opening-up business may not always feel as pleasant as advertised.)
Yet despite knowing all this, we crave love, this mysterious and controlling force. It demands our loyalty, and we, in turn, freely comply. Saying no to love isn't simply heresy; it is a tragedy -- the failure to achieve what is most essentially human. So deeply internalized is our obedience to this most capricious despot that artists create passionate odes to its cruelty, and audiences seem never to tire of deeply unoriginal mass spectacles devoted to rehearsing the litany of its torments, fixating their very beings on the narrowest glimmer of its fleeting satisfactions.
Romance is awful, love is pain and everything sucks. But we waltz this tired dance over and over again, believing one day, we’d get our happily ever after. Perhaps we will, perhaps we won’t, in the meantime, more wine.